ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
