he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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