I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Randomize
