But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
