Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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