yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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