the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
