I think I won the penis lottery.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
