my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
