6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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