Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
