So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
