So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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