I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
