There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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