apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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