Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
