hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize