i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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