Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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