We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Randomize
