So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I am one with the molecules
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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