Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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