The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Randomize
