I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
The best revenge is premature balding
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Randomize
