Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
