They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
