My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
