meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize