I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
