i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize