I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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