Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
