Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
