i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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