So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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