okay pat passed out under dana's car
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Randomize