He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Randomize
