dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
