Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
ttyl tear gas
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
