I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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