so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
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