Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize