OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
