dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
The feeling are messing with the penis
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Randomize
