Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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