Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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