p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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