I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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