I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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