I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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