ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
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