Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize