The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
