is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
