omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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