2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
