I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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