I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
