How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
