walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Randomize
