Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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