Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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