Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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