I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
i came on her dog
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
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