Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Randomize
