the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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