she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
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